Japinoy.com

Laughter is the best medicine. Share your jokes here! (Don't worry, you will not be judged based on how corny your jokes are. ) Just remember: NO profanity allowed.

got this from sakura-chan:

anong apelyido ni 'joseph'?
e di 'prutgam'....................................'joseph prutgam'!

Q: ano ang pangalan ng asawa ni mr. bean?

A: mrs. abrila......

mrs. abrila bean! wahaha!

Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.

"You, your companies and your countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"

The Englishman spoke first.

"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all your men."

"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.

The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."

The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management."

The terrorist turned finally to the American.

"What is YOUR last request?"

The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"

Windows NT crashed.
 I am the Blue Screen of Death.
 No one hears your screams.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 A file that big?
 It might be very useful.
 But now it is gone.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 The Web site you seek
 Can not be located but
 Countless more exist
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 Chaos reigns within.
 Reflect, repent, and reboot.
 Order shall return.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 ABORTED effort:
 Close all that you have worked on.
 You ask way too much.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 Yesterday it worked
 Today it is not working
 Windows is like that.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 First snow, then silence.
 This thousand dollar screen dies
 so beautifully.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 With searching comes loss
 and the presence of absence:
 "My Novel" not found.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 The Tao that is seen
 Is not the true Tao, until
 You bring fresh toner.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 Stay the patient course
 Of little worth is your ire
 The network is down
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 A crash reduces
 your expensive computer
 to a simple stone.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 Three things are certain:
 Death, taxes, and lost data.
 Guess which has occurred.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 You step in the stream,
 but the water has moved on.
 This page is not here.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 Out of memory.
 We wish to hold the whole sky,
 But we never will.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 Having been erased,
 The document you're seeking
 Must now be retyped.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 Serious error.
 All shortcuts have disappeared.
 Screen. Mind. Both are blank

The following are actual products in Japan that have awful English mistranslations:

• "Discover Japanese People Alive in their Festivals!" (Japan Travel Bureau travel guide)
• Cookie Face (cosmetics)
• Salad Girl (more cosmetics)
• Skin clock for those wishing to become a dog (calendar)
• Naive Lady (toilet paper)
• The Goo (soup)
• Pork with fresh garbage (cabbage)
• Specialist in Deceased Children (diseased)
• Finest Moldy Cheese
• Liver Putty (Japanese SPAM)
• My Fanny Toilet Paper
• My Pee Diapers
• Nail Remover (nail polish remover)
• Pocari Sweat (beverage)

one nightt, mark is walking alone in balete drive when he heard 'mark! mark!'.

lumingon sya. walang tao. 'mark! mark!' tumakbo na sya.

pag dating sa kanto, he saw a sign: 'beware: ngongong aso!'

si papa bear, si mama bear at si baby bear ay sumakay sa kotse
mamasyal sila

sino ang kulang??

eh di drayBEAR! nye!

JAPANESE FATHER

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors my have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Oriental."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

talking abt a ngo-ngo ... found this in my inbox.

Alimasag
Nakaamoy si Ngongo ng pabango sa isang store.
Sabi ni Ngongo, "Ale, mango!"
Sabi naman ng saleslady, "Pabango 'yan, hindi alimango!"
Ulit ni Ngongo, "Ale, mango!"
Nag-agawan si Ngongo at ang saleslady sa pabango. Nahulog ang pabango at nabasag.
Sabi ni Ngongo, "Ale, masag!"

more ...

Mamili ka
Mister: Anong tanghalian natin?
Misis: Nasa mesa! Bahala ka nang mamili!
Mister: Isang tuyo?! Anong pagpipilian ko?
Misis: Mamili ka... kakain ka o hindi?

PALIMOS
Pulubi: Boss, palimos po.
Tonyo: Iinom ka o magyoyosi?
Pulubi: Wala po akong bisyo.
Tonyo: Okey. Sumama ka sa akin para malaman ng nanay ko ang nangyayari sa taong walang bisyo.

ALITAPTAP
Anak: Tatay, hindi ako makatulog, kasi, maraming lamok!
Tatay: Papatayin natin ang ilaw para hindi tayo makita.
(Pagpatay sa ilaw, dumating ang mga alitaptap...)
Anak: Hala ka, Tatay, nagdala sila ng flashlight!

Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante...
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!

* * * * * *

Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal?
Juan: ' Di ko po kilala.
Guro: Ikaw, Pepe, sino si Jose Rizal?
Pepe: Di ko rin po kilala.
Guro: Di niyo kilala si Jose Rizal?!
Pedro: Ma'm, baka po sa kabilang section siya!

* * * * * *

Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants....we have sisig, kilawin,
chicharon,mani
Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang (cornik).

BUNTIS NA....

Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng BF mo?
Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh!
Girl 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o nanay niya?
Girl 2 : yung misis niya!

Nung bata ako, tuwing may kasal, lagi akong tinutukso nila lola,
“uuuyyy, sya na susunod!!…
Tumigil lang sila nung may funeral at tinukso ko sila na,
“uuuuyyy, sila na susunod!!…”

SINAING:

NANAY: Anak, damihan mo sinaing ha kasama pusa't aso....
ANAK: opo nay....

makalipas ang isang oras.....

NANAY: lintek! bakit may pusa sa sinaing???
ANAK: Hindi ko na nga po isinama ang aso eh, kasi hindi na kasya ..

I was born intelligent -
Education ruined me.

..............................................................


If it's true that we are here to help others,
Then what exactly are the others here for?

..............................................................


Since light travels faster than sound,
People appear bright until you hear them speak.
 

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations.

The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.

The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.

The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps.

------------------

The obituary editor of the Jerusalem Post is not one to admit his mistakes easily. One day he got a phone call from an irate subscriber. The caller complained that his name had been printed in the obituary column.

"Really?" replied the editor calmly. "And where are you calling from?"